Jennifer Carroll is a 21 year old actor and writer. She first began writing for the Uxbridge Cosmos in 2007 when she had the opportunity to share her experiences as a Canadian ambassador for an international conference for women in Dubai. At the beginning of 2008, she moved to Ireland to pursue a career in theatre and film. Far From Home is her monthly account on living and working in Dublin.
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That tricky little game
What a tricky little game Time is. When you dread its slow, meandering amble, it seems so unbelievably weighted, strapped to your back like a hundred pound weight. Time does everything in its power to make you count each minute's 60 unforgiving seconds. The slower Time goes, the bigger the fuss it makes, refusing to be ignored or breezed over. But when you want that heightened awareness of each second, as you begin to savour the electric pulse in each beat of Time, as you elatedly start to thank Time for the chance to savour its slow speed, Time senses your passion and enjoyment and so begins its canter. It immediately, almost bipolarly, flips a switch into a gear which no human can keep up with. It leaves you gasping for breath, begging it to slow down. And yet that's all Time needs to urge itself faster...
As I meandered out of October this year and agonizingly through November, I had the chance, the desperate count of seconds, to wonder over and challenge the foundation of my purpose. With great resistance I re-examined every facet of what I had preached my life into meaning. It was hard, unsympathetic and tellingly nasty. But if time strolled through those streaky, rainy months, it has been at a hard gallop ever since. All through December I've been a moment and a half behind Time, breathlessly trying to keep a moment and a half ahead. If I had too much time before, I wish I'd used it to discover a way to store up time and use it as credit later.
...Not that I'm complaining. My eyes sparkle and my mouth tugs into a smile at the ruthless race I was running all of December. As my days filled with rehearsals and workshops, juggling work, racing to run lines on the bus (my only forgiving hiatus from time, when I'm moving forward yet able to stand still), I gasp not in exhaustion but in relief. In the relief of feeling alive and responsive. The challenge of having your head in three different projects yet being creative and present in each individual task is the greatest challenge a young actor can have, I think. Each week my work, training and acting accumulated hours past the triple digits mark. It was fantastic. And as I grasped at the fleeting ends of my free time, it wasn't for rest, but for Christmas decorating or for chilled walks through Dublin's city centre to see it sparkle with fairy lights or for mulled wine and mince pies or shopping. Because no way was I going to waste precious time with rest... it was Christmas!
And halfway through December my parents (who constantly continue to take my breath away with their support and passion for their children's lives) gloriously intruded on a precious lunch with my best friend, having crossed thousands of miles to see their daughter’s first production in her new home. And so Time took a deep breath and accelerated. As I was walking my parents through my life, through the paths in the city I'd carved out for myself, Time ran so much faster. It wouldn't give way to my will or stubbornness and break its pace, and I started to feel like even breathing and blinking were an uneconomical use of time, what with their incessant yet necessary repetition.
As I stepped on stage that one night, the only night I had before everything halted, Time crystallized. It virtually froze and I was able to breathe in the gaps between seconds, walk through the space between minutes and savour each hour as it rolled by so gracefully. And as I got to share these moments with so many people that I love, I realize that this is part of the addiction with the stage. Time is always your sworn enemy, teasing and bating you. It's a constant war against Time, the stage is. You'll curse Time and the grasp it has on the spinning of the earth and the passing of days. Yet once it throws you past your breaking point, you reel it back in on that fateful opening night, and the heightened reality you get to share with others will conquer time for a few brief moments, and your addiction strengthens for that irreplaceable thrill.
I haven't felt so alive in so long. So while I'm enjoying the ease and peace that comes only with the fresh start of a new year, I'm looking for new ways to force time into another race. Because I can't wait for another chance to feel that exhausted... I've never felt so refreshed.
